Living At Wit's End

Lately my heart has been heavy to the point of breaking.   There is so much pain and suffering, meanness and ugliness, violence and hatred in the world.   I’ve written before that life is hard and just when I think it can’t get harder or more complicated it does.   It always seems like I’m being pelted with snowballs and I have no snow to return fire with.   The wind is knocked out of me and before I catch my breath another follows quicker than the last. I’m not just speaking about the mess and chaos in my life, I’m talking about the rest of life, the part that happens out beyond my front door, beyond my neighborhood, beyond my community, beyond my town, beyond my state or even my country.   Although for the first time massive violence happened not just in my state and town but my own backyard, right next to one of my doctors’ offices and shopping plazas.   Not once but two days in a row. As it unfolded I felt as if I couldn’t breathe.   ...

I came to the conclusion that if I want to stay on track with school, make all the scheduled appointments/activities on my calendar, and continue to run the house I cannot take on any large, time consuming, projects.   So, I have decided that in order to meet my Lenten sacrifice I’m going to have to only do a little bit every day, sometimes just a drawer or a cabinet or even smaller.   Not my original plan, but I keep telling myself steady plodding brings prosperity and slow and steady wins the race. I have a very dear friend that I’ve known for about 18 years now.   She is very quick witted and makes me laugh all the time.   I’ve never known her to be in a bad mood, I always feel lighter after talking to her.   I saw her over the weekend and was telling her about my dilemma, how I want very much to tackle these big projects but in reality I need to do lots of mini ones like a drawer daily etc.   She replied “of course it’s like the whole meal verses...

I have a daily meditation book in the bathroom. I can't even tell you how long it's been there. My mother gave it to me because it spoke to her. I've picked it up from time to time but nothing really jumped out at me and I felt guilty if I didn't do every one of the suggested activities at the bottom. So, the book sat, who knows for how long. This year I decided to give reading it a try, it touched my mom why shouldn't it touch me to? The gist of January 3rd is that we are all born in grace, as we live, life clouds over this pure, unencumbered grace. Therefore, our whole life is spent learning to peel back the film that clouds the grace and find our way back, back to God. The activities listed were to breathe deeply enter a calm, as a diver goes deep below the waves into the stillness of the water. I took a diving class and was certified a lifetime ago; however I will never forget the feeling of being at the bottom of the pool. I loved the quiet, stillness o...

Sometimes I feel like God is on hiatus, taking a break, especially from all of my complaining and “HELP ME NOW” prayers.   Do you ever feel like that?   Do you wonder where He is and what He’s doing while you are barely hanging on, ready to drown, at any moment?   I do!   A lot lately!   I feel like Job and I are long lost relatives. Song lyrics describing how I feel have been spinning around in my head lately.   Like Steven Curtis Chapman’s Cinderella opening lyrics (emphasis mine), She spins and she sways To whatever song plays Without a care in the world And I'm sitting here wearing The weight of the world on my shoulders It's been a long day And there's still work to do She's pulling at me Saying "Dad, I need you There's a ball at the castle And I've been invited And I need to practice my dancing Oh, please, Daddy, please?" And, Jars of Clay Flood, Rain, rain on my face It hasn't stopped raining for days My world is a flood S...

Christmas is almost here, are you ready?  Not only am I not ready in the worldly sense (shopping, house clean, wrapping, food bought and prepared, favorite movies watched etc.), I am really not ready in the spiritual sense.  Almost every year I vow that this will be the year I really prepare during advent, for the coming of our savior.  Almost every year I start out with a bang and quickly go down hill.  This year I didn't even start with a pop, let alone a bang.  I am really not in the Christmas spirit and I'm feeling very uninspired. Of course I have guilt about my feelings for so many reasons, the biggest being that there are so many people in the world that are suffering, right now.  Me, I'm just cranky and uninspired.  I am truly blessed with a great family and wonderful friends.  I have a fairly, lovely, roof over my head, clothes to wear, and enough food for a three day Christmas feast.  So why do I feel so cranky and disconnect...